Status Report March 2025

This project has been rattling around in my brain for years in some form or another. One of my biggest hold ups was where to start.

The events of the last decade have been a maddening rollercoaster. Drastic change and stifling stagnation swirling together in a chaos that I could seldom grasp any semblance of control within.

Part of my healing has been isolation. One of my symptoms has been crippling writer's block. Realizing the dams about to burst with everything I have to say. But knowing the skill to make it understandable is dormant. And also, having learned there are times when silence is prudent.

I've also long abandoned the delusion that I'm the main character in anyone's life but my own. The attention I get from others is likely very similar to the attention I give others.

We pay attention when we're brought to each other's attention in some way, and only if we have the headspace and time. Otherwise, we are wrapped up in whatever our lives are presenting us with.

I don't know who will see this, who will pay attention, and I don't know if it will garner any support. I think there are a handful of folks I've known for years that will utilize it to check up on me from time to time. Its certainly possible newcomers will catch me depending on the work I'm able to put into this and the timing of such within the winds of fate.

So, I'm going to try and start where I am now and keep somewhat consistent, so the work doesn't pile up and overwhelm me. A summary of my back story is in the about me section, and I'm open to direct communication and respectful inquiry at wildvagabond973@proton.me

I'll try to post these detailed status reports in more or less this format at least monthly.

Let's use Maslow's hierarchy of needs as a basic outline:

1. Physiological Needs – Basic survival needs like food, water, shelter, sleep, and air.

Food supply is stable in the form of dry goods storage. We've been fortunate so far in being able to maintain a means of storing and transporting long lasting staples like grains and dried legumes.

Spring is coming in slow and steady, and I expect at least some wild greens as long as I have the physical stamina to harvest and process. From what I saw of this land last season, I expect a diversity and abundance of wild mushrooms, likely at least a few edible species.

That's up to nature entirely, of course, and she can be unpredictable. I'm motivated to push myself to take full advantage of whatever she has to offer, but my physical condition will likely be a deciding factor any given day as it has been through several seasons now.

I have access to food banks and just under 300 a month in snap benefits as long as there is fuel and working transportation. This allows for fresh options to diversify nutrition and flavor. With grocery prices as they are, it takes some planning and strategies to stretch this luxury out. I'm grateful to have developed the skills to eat well on almost nothing, but I'm often lacking in physical ability and stamina to take full advantage.

Overall, food scarcity is thankfully not an issue, though like everything else, that hangs on a thin thread.

Access to food is not the only factor in staying fed. As well as my physical limitations to cooking, there are utility nuances to figure out around here.

We have a propane stove in the camper (another thing dependent on fuel) and a fire pit to cook over when weather allows. Long term plans include a cob oven, but we have a nice cast iron Dutch oven we can do some fireplace baking in.

Any electric appliance is stored and useless. The generator is in need of heavy maintenance, and we only currently have enough solar panels to barely keep a few LED bulbs charged and trickle charge devices only while the sun shines.

The other obstacle is disordered eating, which I've struggled with for decades and intend to write about in detail one of these days, but no promises.

In short, I struggle day to day to consume enough calories, to recognize and respond appropriately to hunger cues. It fluctuates in severity depending on several factors and occasionally has caused medical emergencies.

It has been going on so long. Anyone who understands trauma-based disorders like this knows they snowball. I believe I do have physiological and neurological damage from long term malnutrition.

Shelter is better than many "unhoused" situations, but still poor enough I'd consider us unhoused.

The trailer is very small and barely functional to 2 adults and 2 dogs in perfect condition, but it's far from that. It suits our needs ok but requires constant maintenance and adjustment.

Its severely water damaged and leaks. The plywood is waterlogged and warped, and there's plenty of black mold I try not to think about. We tried covering it with a tarp, but heavy-duty tarps of that size are pricey. The one we were able to get did not stand up to the wind this season and every rivet has been ripped out. Short term solution could be a heavier tarp or pop-up canopy. Longterm, we'll improvise a stable and permanent cover when the trailer is in its final spot.

It still fills with water even when covered when it's humid enough outside. I had to rig up a tarp in between the bed cushions and my bedding to keep my bed from being soaked with rotting plywood sweat.

Water supply is stable if not convenient, again dependent on continued access to fuel and transportation.

We draw from a centuries old spring coming from a pvc pipe sticking out of the ground about 5 miles down the hills. Bobby McGee and Shirley (the car) do the heavy lifting and haul them back up in jugs. The water is good and I'm grateful for it.

Running water is not an option currently. We can feed it into the trailers fresh tank, but don't have enough power often to run the pump. I also have reason to suspect the pipes were damaged over the winter, so better to hold off until the trailer is in its permanent spot and can be thoroughly inspected. Long term plans include gravity fed shower, handwashing and dishwashing stations. On the lookout for materials, we can repurpose for this and have collected a few components for some of it.

We have access to showers at a YMCA about a 40-minute drive from here, thanks to a friend adding us to their family membership. We don't get there as often as we'd like due to the cost of fuel mostly. So, for the time in between, hygiene is mostly baby wipes and hobo showers in public restrooms.

Laundry is done at a laundromat closest to us, about a 20-minute drive just into town, again dependent on finances and transportation. Lately I've been able to get it done once a month or less, but we get by ok.

Sleep is always difficult for me for many reasons, but I have been blessed with some improvement there. I got a hand-me-down foam pad that is a lot more comfortable than the old, thin, worn rv pads I've been suffering through the last 20 months. Still, sleep doesn't come easy with chronic pain and constant stress.

We also disassembled and removed half of the loft over the top of the bed that had begun sagging threateningly over us with the weight of the clothes and food we had stored up there.

The removal cost us some storage space, but we gained more head room in bed and the change gave the space a more overall open feel. Less cave like.

Of course, this small project was more of a chore than it could have been because it involved removing about 100 screws from the hinge. Which moved getting the power tools functional again up the priority list for us, especially as we begin to plan infrastructure builds. Bobby Mcgee uses Dewalt tools and his charger stopped functioning late last year and needs replacement. Just as well since the generator doesn't function any longer for that job, we'd have to take the batteries off-site to borrowed electricity. I have a charger capable of running off a car battery on my Wishlist.

Air is great outside! Inside is probably fine as long as I'm willfully ignorant of potential mold spores.

2. Safety Needs – Security, stability, health, employment, and protection from harm.

Security is probably the best I can hope for within my circumstances and options. I have a big intimidating dog and a well armed man with a spine on my side, so that always gives me at least an added feeling of security in most cases.

The last 5 months we were stranded with camp in full view of a fairly well traveled road. Now we've been able to move mostly out of sight of at least casual passerbys and that helps me feel less vulnerable.

It's a very quiet and safe feeling area. Though once over the winter I was warming up alone in the car with cleatus about 2am and a van pulled off on the other side of the road.

Two men got out with flashlights and walked a bit down the road away from me. Got back in the van, turned back towards me, parked directly behind me and got out again. Walked in the other direction away from me with the flashlights, and then got back in and drove away in the direction they had come.

When they stopped the first time, I turned of the engine and lights and listened through the cracked windows. Neither man said a word to each each other during the entire course of events.

I was calling Bobby Mcgee on the phone repeatedly to wake him, but he only made it out as they were pulling away the last time. I had my big dog in the back watching and growling and my pepper spray in my hand.

I know most likely whatever that was probably had nothing to do with me, but I think most will understand why it made me uneasy in my vulnerable state.

Stability is non existent for me and has been for so long, I don't know if I'd even be able to recognize or trust it if it did appear. In a way I'm used to it and don't expect any different, but I'm also aware of what a exhaustive struggle it is to live with.

Health has been my overarching obstacle these last few years. Though the pace and presentation varies, It is undeniably getting progressively worse. That said, I do have a greater measure of hope here than I have in the past few years.

I have a Healthcare team that I trust. They work hard to squeeze the most benefit out of this terribly broken system as they can on my behalf, and medicaide is covering all my care and meds so far.

I don't want to go into details of all my symptoms and conditions right now. Its always safe to assume I'm dealing with more than I can adequately express at any given moment. If I tried to detail it all at once, it'd probably make a really boring read and color my outlook in a way that makes me feel whiney and pathetic.

The care I'm receiving is a vast improvement over florida, of course, that was all but nonexistent. Anyone who is familiar with the current state of US Healthcare knows that even the best case scenario is often slow going and inadequate. The wheels are in motion for potentially helpful things, but the process will likely take months or years.

These include a mobility assessment and evaluation of osteoarthritis to see if I'm a candidate for surgery. Also a hysterectomy which will hopefully improve a variety of symptoms that are likely a consequence of or aggravated by my over used and long broken reproductive system.

Employment is dismal and has not much improved in over two years. I can say honestly that both Andy and I have and continue to explore every viable option that comes our way. I'm sure there are things we can improve in our approach, and we are always trying, but it really does seem as if this system is broken beyond repair.

We always liked to think along the lines of "if I ever face hardship, I can just go flip burgers", which is a loaded problematic sentiment in a number of ways, but also just isn't reality anymore. The market is flooded with people desperate enough to flip burgers, and indeed far more "demeaning" tasks than that for the means to survive.

Employers can only hire so many, if they can hire at all, given such a huge portion of their customer base can no longer afford to buy those burgers.

For those lucky enough to secure those positions, we all know there aren't enough low wage hours in a day to cover the current cost of living. Welcome to late stage capitalism.

Person to person gig work and agorism is the only thing that's really coming through for us these days. It is far from reliable or adequate to cover expenses and comes with its own set of obstacles.

Though we will continue to seek out and not turn down any reasonable opportunities, I have little hope left for the methods we were taught to rely on. What's more, I've come to hate it.

The senseless absurdity of having to sell ones labor and energy to a middleman to pay another middleman for the means of survival with a contrived currency that only has value because we pretend it does, but has enough power to determine whether you are worthy of survival and comfort based only on how much you are able to accumulate. All the while, the means to accumulate are methodically cut off for everyone but the few that already have grotesque amounts of it.

There's a cultural trope that's always troubled me in a way I'm only now learning to embrace. The idea that if you're going to complain about the system, you'd better be able to come up with something better.

I'm not an economic genius, I have no desire to be a politician. I, like every human in history, have not invented a perfect utopian system.

I can see what's wrong right in front of me and "the systems not perfect, but its the best we have" is utter bullshit!

The facade that keeps that delusion in place has crumbled for me, and I get the feeling it is rapidly deteriorating for most others. I don't know how to fix it, I barely know how to coexist with it anymore, as if as I ever did. It was never meant for people like me.

This website and the efforts I document here are my attempts to navigate something that is impossible for me to thrive within, but one for which I'm required legally, socially, and practically to at least make an effort.

I'm doing my best not to feed the beast and interact with my world in a benevolent way, but I'm not in a position to make sacrifices on ideological activism.

I've learned to make do with very little, but money is still needed for several stupid little things for sustaining and improving quality of life.

My disability case is still in appeals and I'm still sending documentation to my attorney, but at this point I have little hope for that. That system as well was barely functioning when I started the process, but there was at least hope.

I was right at the point where I could start to expect a hearing date to be scheduled when the coup started. I don't know what the end result will be now with these systems being dismantled by sociopathic despots, but I have little reason to hope it will be in my favor.

Protection from harm, eh, I've got what I've got. There's a reason we chose the difficulties of rural homelessness over urban homelessness but this lifestyle is never without its hazards.

3. Love and Belonging – Relationships, friendship, intimacy, and a sense of community.

I feel I have both extremes of this. I often feel rejected, hated and ostracized within society, but the connections I do have are genuine and meaningful. By far the most joyous and comforting part of my life. My circle is small, but it's good. My tribe loves me and accepts me for exactly who I am and values what I have to offer them.

My surounding culture is much improved since leaving Florida and I've met many good people. Those who know me well tend to at least respect and trust me. If they are the kind of people capable of that type of thing. I'm always making an effort to stay worthy of it.

The problems come mostly from assumptions made by those who don't know know me well, which in our modern society, makes up a large chunk of human interaction.

I blame a lot of this on the just world fallacy which I also intend to write about in depth. Again no promises.

People love to come to conclusions, but seldom have time and inclination to gather good evidence to support those conclusions. First impressions are what they are and dependant upon the biases of the observer.

One observation I've made, is the longer we live like this, the more we outwardly appear to be methheads.

We've gotten very skinny, we've visibly aged and always have dark circles under our eyes. We're often spotted doing things to scrape together gas money like collecting and turning in cans. Haven't done any irl panhadling, but I've certainly resorted to it on social media. Unrelated to homelessness, but adding to that impression, we both have dermatillomania. Always have, it's never been disruptive enough to my life or health to worry about, but it does mean I often have visible scabs.

To be clear, I'm in no way disparaging people who find themselves in circumstances similar to mine who are also suffering from addiction, whether that be causal or consequential.

The way these things are talked about and handled in this society needs improvement to say the least. I sympathize with it even more being potentially a mistaken target of that stigma, but I in no way think the discrimination is just in any case.

That said, having interacted with meth, both myself in my young and reckless years, and with friends and family struggling with it throughout my life, I also understand why it warrants some caution given the common behavioral consequences of that and similar substance abuse.

Full and honest disclosure in the substance use category:

I enjoy drinking when the opportunity presents, which is more rare these days.

I use cannabis when available for pain and anxiety management, I also enjoy it.

Nicotine has been my bane. Of course i can't afford cigarettes, I dont need cigarettes, I dont even want cigarettes. I've resorted to rolling my own from harsh pipe tobacco that makes me cough painfully and stains my fingers and teeth, but costs a fraction. I've done worse than that to get my fix, but I'm not going into detail.

Doc says I need to quit to avoid more meds to manage cholesterol. I'm actively trying, but the withdrawals destabilize my mental health to dangerous extremes, so I have to proceed cautiously.

Hard living loves an escape, and our brains are programmed for dopamine seeking. Our view of this as a moral failing and something to be avoided all together is flawed in my opinion. My approach is to attempt to give my brain what it needs with minimal harm to myself and others.

Alcohol is not ideal in many ways, but is the most accessible in our society. It is self medication, but so is yummy food and sex and mushroom hunting.

The release of pleasant brain chemicals keeps us motivated to survive and make an effort to thrive so we can experience more good feelings. I fully embrace hedonism with an active effort of harm reduction.

It's an ongoing effort and I certainly haven't perfected it, but I do plan to avoid any (of what for me would be) avoidable self sabotage like acquiring an opiod or amphetamine addiction, or irresponsible intoxicated behavior like driving under the influence.

All that to say, I do think we experience some discrimination that contributes to certain difficulty, but I do have a level of support and community I'm quite content with.

4. Esteem Needs – Recognition, self-respect, achievement, and social status.

Bwahahahaha.......*sigh*

To whatever extent I've ever had this, it's completely dissolved now. You're looking at my attempt to regain and establish it. Let's see how it goes.

Actually, let's isolate self-respect from the rest of that. Self-respect is one valuable thing I've gained in great measure in the course of all my other losses.

I respect the fuck out of myself, regardless of if others agree. Probably a result of losing a great measure of respect for others, or at least their under-informed opinions, flawed epistemology and immature behavior that I once coddled in hopes of gaining approval that wasn't offered anyway.

5. Self-Actualization – Personal growth, creativity, and fulfilling one's potential.

Another area that's stagnated and suffered in recent years but is currently showing signs of improvement. I've just started meeting with a therapist I really feel compatible with. She leans a lot on art therapy and the work I've done with her so far, probably combined with the energy of spring, has reignited a creative spirit within me in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

Among the first "getting to know you" type exercises my therapist did with me was a coloring page of a heart.

The idea is to pick out 5 colors to represent 5 emotions and fill in the heart to represent how much of yourself is occupied or dominated by those emotional experiences.

I used to hate exercises like this. I'd feel uncomfortable, put on the spot. Back when my anxieties were more focused around the perceptions of others. This time, I knew exactly what I wanted to convey and how.

I used bright orange and red to represent rapture and love. I filled in the heart concentrically with a thin but solid layer of each outlining the inside of the heart and also filling the very center. The colors representing anger, fear and melancholy filled the space in between, with melancholy representing the larger portion.

Of course, she asked me what I meant by rapture. It's not a word commonly used outside of religious context, and my religious experiences were partially what helped me to isolate and understand this within myself.

It's a certain cocktail of hormones and chemicals that causes feelings of awe, warmth, joy, deep contentment. It can be triggered in a number of ways and utilized to manipulate, to medicate and to heal.

I get this feeling listening to a stirring piece of music, viewing visual art that really speaks to me.

I get it interacting with wildlife, suddenly discovering a flush of one of my favorite wild mushrooms, getting a whiff of lilac scent in a warm breeze.

I get it from the weight of a sleeping infant in my arms or a silly conversation with a toddler.

I get it when I receive positive feedback from a genuine expression of love to someone important to me. When I make them laugh or they do likewise for me.

The greater combination of such factors are at play, the more I can experience it and the longer it lasts. It's often fleeting, but it's strong when I focus on it and embrace it fully, and I've learned to do that as much as I possibly can.

If I fill that well enough, sometimes I can go back and draw from it. When these joys or my capacity to experience them are diminished or absent, and I need that high, I can find at least some small dosage in the memories of things that made me feel this way. Perhaps a synthetic form, but it soothes the cravings a bit.

This emotion, and love, with which it is inexorably linked for me, surround my heart like a shield. Protecting me from the toxic influences of a brutal world. Sealing in the toxicity inside and keeping it from leaking out into my presentation and approach to interacting with the world.

It's at the center of my heart because I need it to be center to who I am. I need it to exist as long as I exist. To fill that barrier and keep me strong, keep me desiring more of what is beautiful and meaningful in life.

I experienced a lovely combination of rapture triggers this morning as I began writing this section, and I'm still riding that high. Bobby Mcgee and Cleatus and I were sitting in the car. Doing the morning routine of charging phones and drinking coffee.

We had morning sex before going out, so I was already riding the high from the orgasm hormone cocktail.

I Watched the birds doing their morning routines all around us. I have successfully made the top of the van feeding station the forest Hotspot.

Erebus, my lone crow scout, has one regular stop a day, after observing the activity cautiously from a distance for months. He had just gotten comfortable to come in and feed, and even brought another brave soul, who we named Artemis, with him, right before we moved the trailer. The change seemed to spook them again and they've kept their distance for about a week.

Now Erebus has been returning to get a small share of the larger nuts before the flock of bluejays moves in to cause their ruckus.

I've been watching the flock dynamics shift as the seasons change.

As the bluejays squabbled over their pecking order, I tried to lure a titmouse in by playing back the call it was shouting in the distance.

The Jay's started coming in to observe us in the branches nearest the car, so I brought up their profile on my merlin app and started trying out their calls.

The familiar sounds made them perk up and pay attention each time. I finally found the right call to get an answer as two individuals flitted increasingly closer until they were right overhead calling back and forth with my phone while I also spoke to them in my voice. Soft and affectionate. Paying them compliments.

The morning sun had just cleared the ridge to the east and was filling our space with soft warm light, breaking though the still bare deciduous trees. The visual of spring is present but understated. Nothing within sight of the car is blooming right now, though I've seen lots of early bloomers elsewhere.

Tender spring greens are pushing through the leaf litter. Mostly oxeye daisy, Chickweed and bitter cress. The hay bales we had used for insulation over the winter are sprouting grass shoots.

The color and texture of the young greens provides novelty to the palette of evergreen that's been splashed amongst the Grey's and browns. Increasing the interest, adding elements of tenderness and joyful youth to the suggestion of rugged endurance.

These elements had my rapture at a steady and pleasant buzz as we finished our first French press of coffee, and I sent Bobby Mcgee into the trailer to brew another.

We exchanged affectionate and playful banter laced with innuendo as he departed. My rapture peaked when I watched him go over to the feeding station to add another handful of peanuts for the Jay's.

He wouldn't pay the birds much attention if not for my interest in them, but he gets joy from my joy and it becomes his joy and then feeds back to me as I get joy from his joy.

I have a strong need for frequent and large doses of this particular drug. I've learned the hard way to be choosey about the sources I receive it.

I've gotten it from opioids before, but I know addictive chemicals will only offer you such things for so long until they demand to become the only source. I already have more capitalistic demands upon me than I can manage. This as with all things, I will find a way to get it for free if I can do so responsibly and ethically.

I've received it from religion as well, and it likewise demanded to be the only source and twisted the meaning and put conditions upon something that was mine to begin with in order to control me.

Drugs will cost my money and my health. Theology cost me my autonomy and sense of self. The landscape, the birds, and interaction with my loved ones costs me nothing but the energy I joyfully pour into them. Light and shadow, color and life are free for the taking all around me most times and places.

The need is a feature not a bug when I can find benevolent ways to meet it. It's the glue that holds me together.

The fulfilling of potential is a tricky one with my abilities and resources constantly scarce and unstable. I'm trying to cling to hope within realism and keep whatever momentum I'm blessed with going.

Conclusion

Day to day efforts are still focused on day-to-day needs, but more long-term improvements are possible now than they were over the winter. We are picking at those as we go and waiting and watching for the next surprises and consequences to come of Rome's burning.

A slight addition to address the status of the doggos.

Rowdy

Cleatus

I know many people care about the dogs' well-being as much, if not more, than the humans involved. The truth is, this world has been an unfair and difficult place for dogs far longer than it has been so obviously difficult for us.

Our dogs are both rescues, and we give them the best we are able with the circumstances we have to work with.  If the perfect circumstances presented themselves for them to live a much better life, we would jump at it despite any loss or pain it would cause us. Thus far, according to my constant evaluation, their best option is with us.

They have never gone unfed. Even though they've had to eat cheap as far as kibble, they get a portion of whatever people food we eat that's safe for them, so they have variety.

They are thankfully both healthy, and we are doing what we can to keep it that way.

For them as well, resources and culture is an improvement here over Florida. We have had people donate food, toys and treats. We've taken advantage a few times of the local humane society's kibble pantry. We have leads for sliding scale vet care should the need arise.

They have what they need and get a lot of indulgence on their wants as well. They recieve plenty of love, attention and exercise.

Like everything else that costs money, their resources have also been a struggle. Donations and income need to be allotted to flea and tick treatments. That was a struggle to achieve in florida where they suffered too long with a terrible infestation resulting in some uncomfortable dermatitis.

That issue has been resolved, but I'm quite determined to keep it that way and the treatments that work are pretty pricey. Ticks have been present here even over the winter, but numbers are definitely increasing as the weather warms.

A reminder that my current strategy is a donation based voluntary exchange. I hate that I need monetary support, but I very much do. Donations of any amount are appreciated. I intend to do what I can to offer information, support, entertainment, whatever you're getting out of this.

I am also open to any suggestions on how my talent and energy can be used to support your efforts or those of your tribe to navigate the shit storm. Please don't hesitate to reach out.

When I'm able to publish this, I hope to at least make a start at adding a gallery of my nature photography. If you'd like something physical in exchange for your donations, canvas prints will be available to order in exchange for a minimum suggested donation. I will add to this as I can.

Access to internet is still dependent on gas money, so if you'd like to see this project progress, please cashapp me your pocket change if you're able. The more support I get, the more I can make improvements to the quantity and quality of the content and creativity I can share.